Forward: It has taken me 2 years to get to this but as promised, here it is! Please enjoy this story written when I found out I was Pregnant with Willa.
It's true, I have found myself pregnant with a real live human living and growing right inside my uterus and while many around me have taken this journey (many of you multiple times!) this for me is monumental and it's monumental in a way that has less to do with creating life and more to do with overcoming fear.
I think it would be amiss to announce my pregnancy without highlighting the journey it has taken to land here in this moment. For me as an outsider, it has seemed like many around me were/are able to get pregnant with a relative amount of ease. And while I know that is surely not the case for so, so many of us- I wanted to touch on what it's like to find yourself in a place where pregnancy seems to be intangible and perhaps even impossible. I write this in the spirit of oversharing- because so many others have shared their infertility stories and this at times soothed my restless spirit.
Jake and I have been together nearly 12 years and for a hefty part of those years I steadily relied on birth control to keep my strong independent, child free, woman vibe going (and to also [inadvertently] keep my hormones wack AF-more on that another time). But, eventually my relationship with birth control more closely resembled a yo-yo like pattern, of hopping on and off of the pill depending on how annoying my periods were that month or how accessible planned parenthood was. This, had a huge impact on my hormonal balance (or lack thereof) and is what I believe led to my initial challenges with fertility. Eventually, I did get pregnant, but in my tube- which you may remember resulted in a near death experience, losing 1/2 of my blood and emergency surgery 3.5 years ago.
This was where a part of me died and fear was birthed in it's place.
and fear is tricky like that, it sneaks into the cracks of self doubt, where it does it's best to expand within you- to push you further away from yourself until you're no longer connected to your spirit.
For me, fear came in many forms- in the form of disappointment, self-doubt, mis-trust in my body, questions of what I deserve, karmic debt, pain- both the physical pain in myself and the emotional pain felt by me and Jake- in blame, in judgment and in shame. For a great deal of time, I housed these beliefs and emotions inside me and I think many of us struggling with fertility do. We often overlook what it FEELS like to struggle with fertility issues, we forget to acknowledge that the body physically responds to emotion. For me, acknowledging that these things were present was the first step toward restoring my spirit, my innate nature.
It's very important to note that physically, I have fertility limitations and no amount of acknowledging my emotions is going to wave a magic wand and make my right tube function. My fear of another ectopic was at times debilitating and to try to conceive felt like a free-fall into the unknown, into the out of control. This was an invitation into deep trust with my mind, with my body and with the unfolding of life as I know it.
Do I think that for me fertility = letting go of fear?
Well, I think it's the catalyst- but letting go of fear looked like many things for me over these 3.5 years. And the truth is, letting go of fear is a constant process of re-committing to trust. In this moment, there are still 1 million things which could go wrong. But, sharing my news, my excitement, my vulnerability with the world is one of my steps in relinquishing fear in the form of shame if something does go wrong. Rather than choosing fear, I have chosen trust. I will talk more in upcoming entries about the collective of support that I built to heal my hormones and body physically and more about the process of overcoming the physical limitations of my fertility. But for now, I will leave you with a First Chakra Meditation and a Second Chakra Meditation that I have found healing.
Trust that life will take you where you need to be. That all is available to you on your journey. trust that everything is unfolding in its time.
Thank you for your sweet comments, texts, your encouragement and your well wishes and has been and will continue to be a journey of transformation for me as I lean deeper into trust.
To be continued...